2017

Before you try to fast-track that weight loss resolution.

Brushing your teeth is overrated anyway.

All purses inevitably end up being overpriced, tiny trashcans.

Look, Cocoa Puffs are totally the bomb, but maybe eating the entire box in one day isn't such a great thing.

Grocery stores are better at screwing with your head than they are keeping their shelves stocked.

They say history is written by the victors, but it's actually written by publishers and politicians who all have agendas to push on high school and college kids. Hooray for public education and terrible textbooks!

If you've ever wanted to know what it's like to sell your soul and never get it back, just open up a credit card.

Sure, you can buy two 20-gallon drums of mayonnaise for the price of one at your local Superstore, like the crazy person you are. But at what cost to your local community?

Thanks to Apple and Fitbit Smart Watches are a great way to keep us honest and track data you couldn't before - because you actually didn't care about tracking it and probably still won't.

Theme parks, especially Disneyland, Disney World, and Six Flags are great if you enjoy being mentally (and financially) screwed with while you navigate a maze of barf, torture machines, and fried food.

Want the best android and ios mobile games? Great! Just so we're all clear here when it comes to mobile games, 'freemium' means 'free until its time to steal your parents' credit cards so you can buy your way to the end of the game that never ends.' Now available on your favorite iPads and Android Tablets!

Milk, dairy, cheese and lactose commercials are great and all but no one's ever actually looked into how much our consumption of mammal udder juice contributes to growing up big and strong, but we just roll with it anyway.

Now that we're starting to get this whole cigarette thing under control, can we take care of the junk food companies that are getting all of us addicted to chips, candy, and crackers? We just wish everyone would be more honest about snack foods.

Bonnaroo, Coachella, Lollapalooza, Summerfest and other famous music festivals look cool on your friend's Instagram feed but let's be honest, they suck.

College is going to be one of the biggest investments of your life, which is why you should just trust what the student loan companies tell you without even thinking twice about how much you could be screwed after school has ended.

Who else is excited for another season of the world's most popular public slaughter house fueled by human lives? Oh ... just us in America?

Now that our lives are pretty much inseparable from our smart devices, it would only be the honest and responsible thing for Apple to do to jack up the price on their super fragile phones.

Feeling bloated and need to detox? Well, drinking salad in liquid form will absolutely not help you at all, but boy will you feel Hashtag-virtuous when you share pictures of yourself with our beautiful juice cleanse bottles all across social media. Enjoy the rejuvenating experience of borderline starvation!

Not that we want tampon ads to get all into the graphic details of what their products actually do. But seriously, what’s with all the yoga and blue fluids?