Season 13

It seems like just 63 days since Jonathan was talking to J.K. Rowling. Either that, or I can't count. However long it was, the wait is over - he's back. To kick things off, there is a rare interview with Keira Knightley who, incidentally, weighs less than Jonathan's hair. Funny man Simon Pegg and man Adam Sandler also appear on the first show. Music comes from Dallas-based twenty-three-piece band The Polyphonic Spree, who, incidentally, weigh less than Jonathan's hair.

This week's guests: a director who's films I don't really like; an actor who's films I don't watch; two women who make television programmes for badly dressed frumpy lasses and some Scottish warbler who's music gives me the staggers. Apart from that, I am really looking forward to it.

There's a 'Hair Off' this week: Richard Hammond - the indestructible one from Top Gear, brings his new, flowing locks to compete with Jonathan's luscious mane. Dame Helen Mirren's naturally girly hair might not be enough to secure victory, but Christian Slater is in with a chance. If it's decided by facial hair, Dr. Matt Destruction from The Hives will walk it, even though he's bald. Bring it on!

Four weeks into the new series and the guest list shows signs of strain, and that's not just down to Beth Ditto's bulk. Peter Björn & John are described as "Swedish folk rockers" - is it just me, or does that sound like a cue to stuff your ears with broken glass?

Mother Nature is either very creative, or she's got a blinding sense of humour. How else could you explain the effortless beauty of Michelle Pfeiffer and the unconstrained ugliness of Chris Moyles? Maybe she created him with the left-overs from elephants ar**s.

If Katie Price's self-importance was flammable and caught fire, it would be the Great Fire of London all over again. If her talent was flammable and caught fire, it would be like a damp banger going off. Peter Andre appears tonight - he's married to the damp banger.

Kelly Smith, who is brilliant and will probably be the next Queen of England, appears tonight in all her shimmering glory. She will be talking about Women's Football which is absolutely excellent entertainment.

Heston Blumenthal has been described as a "culinary alchemist". This is a rather grand way of saying he makes porridge from snails. Kelly Brook is the latest celebrity to put her name to a perfume, sadly, the name 'Smelly Brook' was discarded pretty early on. Actress, Cate Blanchett and 'famous for being married to Rod Stewart' Penny Lancaster also appear. Duran Duran - who will perform their new song, will probably be wearing more make-up than Kelly, Cate and Penny - specifically Nick Rhodes.

Gordon Ramsay has more Michelin stars than any other chef, most of which have to be used to censor the swear words he uses. ****, for example.

Proud Welshman Sir Anthony Hopkins - who is now an American citizen - makes his first appearance on the show. Jimmy Carr, who just seems to be very proud of himself in general, makes what seems to be his 400th appearance.

Daniel Craig – the blond Bond; Russell Brand – the pseudo-Dickensian Cockney urchin and Jack Dee – the grumpy one who is second only to Ricky Gervais in appearances on the show.

"Fighting in the Dojo, Miso Miso Oriental Prince in the land of soup". Fans of the Boosh will understand that, other people might just be greatly disturbed. Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall, a man who has cooked pretty much everything on television from Cephalopoda to placenta makes a welcome début appearance on the show. The music comes from Kate Nash with her mockney stylings and 'cor blimey Mary Poppins, ain't it foggy in Larndon'?

Quite a line-up this week: Actress Renée Zellweger who made big knickers the talk of England; Jerry Seinfeld who made some people on TV.com unhappy (see the Soup Nazi debates in the forums) and Jeremy Clarkson who makes many people unhappy all over England - particularly Wales, the United States and Bill Oddie.

Never have so many people I have never heard of appeared in the same episode. Will Smith should save the day and Kerry Katona could make it a very long day if she is 'tired and emotional'. Music from Editors, which some viewers might find entertaining.