Season 12

Ladies and gentlemen: he's back. The suited, wavy-haired cheeky monkey himself Mr Ross, welcomes us to his new series with the distinct possibility of a punch-up. Boxer Ricky Hatton goes toe-to-toe with Jonathan and Thandie Newton will do well to stay that far away from him and his saucy banter. Daniel Radcliffe, who has gone from boy wizard to horse fondler, returns to the show as does Damon Albarn with yet another new band The Good, The Bad & The Queen. Has he finally formed a good one?

Ricky Gervais? On Jonathan's show? That must have taken some serious negotiating - or maybe just a kiss. I'm amazed to see Gareth Gates on the show; I thought he was happy and comfortable in obscurity. I guess he couldn't say no (that's cruel I know). Completing the guest list are full-time pilot and part-time actor John Travolta and Macy Gray, who is a dead ringer for that bear from The Hair Bear Bunch.

A curious mix of guests this week. Artists Gilbert & George who began their careers' in performance art, now better known for their brightly coloured photo-montages. Not my cup of tea to be honest, but they did win the Turner Prize in 1986. Liverpool won the League and F.A. Cup double in the same year, which probably explains why I missed their finest hour. Stephen Gerrard in full flow - now that's art.Jonathan's former warm-up man Alan Carr is back as is the woman who's had more rock stars that the green room at Live Aid, Patsy Kensit. Smooth, suited Mackem Bryan Ferry provides the music - hopefully not something by Wagner.

Bill Bailey is a funny guy, a talented musician and a Klingon nonce. He's on tour - go and see him, shout 'weasels' and hear his reply - 'dormice'! Singer, Sarah Brightman, is set to perform at this year's F.A. Cup final - I think she'll lose, which is a pity as I think she'd do well in the U.E.F.A. Cup. Music this week from Jamie T. So that's one talented musician on the programme then...

Rob Brydon stars in a programme called 'Annually Retentive'. Does that mean he can or can not stand next to the piano? If you are drunk whilst watching this episode, that's Helena Bonham Carter - not Robert Smith from The Cure.

Evita, Cats, Starlight Express - just three of the musicals written by Andrew Lloyd Webber, that I have no intention of ever going to see. John Barrowman has probably seen all of them at least 83 times. Also appearing tonight in a skirt, Janice Dickinson and possibly Eddie Izzard.

There was a time when Ozzy liked nothing more than to tuck in to a bat's head for a snack, these days he's far happier with a delicious butter substitute. We all mellow with age. I'm worried that Justin Lee Collins will end up as the latest canine member of Ozzy's family due to his cartoon dog-like appearance. I'm sure he wouldn't get away with using the floor as a toilet as easily as Ozzy's real dogs seem to.

I was going to make fun of Bear Grylls because of his name, that was until I discovered that he was in the S.A.S. so I thought better of it. If I made fun of Gordon Ramsay on the other hand, he would probably just call me a ****. (He wouldn’t be the first).

It's that time of year when the British pretend we like tennis again. Andy Roddick's appearance can only mean the EVIL that is Wimbledon is upon us. Fat women of Britain rejoice and pay £97.32p for two strawberries (you'll need to re-mortgage your house if you want cream with them). Myleene Klass who is heavily pregnant and Nick Frost who's a natural fatty also appear.

Shilpa Shetty; Bollywood superstar and the recipient of verbal bullying from the Bermondsey Beast, Jade Goody. Funny that, why would a fat, ignorant talentless pig pick on a beautiful, successful actress? Weird. Alex James has lead the typical rock star lifestyle: gigs, women, drinking and cheese-making. They want it all don't they?

Serena Williams is an impressive looking woman: big and strong - all muscle and buttocks. She could easily have puny Russell Brand in a fight. Actually, I reckon she could have him, Iggy Pop and the rest of the Stooges. Jonathan, the audience, the Poofs, the piano...

The combined weight of Fearne Cotton and Pete Doherty tops the scales at a porky 42 kilograms - 43 if they are wet. I doubt they could overpower a fractious kitten or contain an angry wasp. Bruce Willis and I share a birthday; that's about all we have in common as I have hair and a natural aversion to Demi Moore (and all her films).

Rarity is the common factor this week; a TV appearance by the Arctic Monkeys which is as rare as a woman who understands the off-side rule, and something that's as rare as hen's toothpaste; an interview with Harry Potter creator J.K. Rowling. Also rare - possibly unique - is a London-born Norwegian sailor - step forward Bob Hoskins. The programme is scheduled to return in September 2007.